JOKES THE BEGINING

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JOKES THE BEGINING

Post  Admin on Tue May 19, 2009 2:28 pm

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Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk amongst us!***

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*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

***They walk among us!!***

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'

***They Walk Among Us!!***

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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!***

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***

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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***

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While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce !!!!
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Damo
850cc chop


Joined: 06 May 2007
Posts: 28
Location: Cambridge



Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,

he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.


One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman

he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years,

my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,

she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

AAADD-
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
AGE ACTIVATED ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
! since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV . I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the garden hasn't been watered,

the car isn't washed,

the bills aren't paid,

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled, because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming .
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On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past.. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you
a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? Tha t's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For
this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it
as a public service.
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2 old women were sitting on a bench waiting for a bus,
the buses were running late & a lot of time had passed,
finally 1 woman turned to the other & said you know ive been sitting here so long,my bum has fallen asleep,
i know said the other woman,
i heard it snoring
_________________
SO THERE YOU GO OKIDOKI
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whats the difference between a rottweiler & a social worker?
you can get your kids back from a rottweiler,

what do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
a piece of ass that'll bring tears to your eyes,

what do you call a blond with half a brain ? gifted

in which month do women talk the least?
february of cource its the shortest

what do you call a blond with 2 brain cells? pregnant
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an indian scout was checking the area for some buffalo hunters searching for buffalp, he put his ear to the ground "ugg" he said "deer come" the hunters looked at him with awe,"how the heck can you tell that" asked one,
the scout answered" simple ear sticky"
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man holding his wifes hand as she's lying on her death bed.
jerry i have somthing to tell before i pas on,
no no dear says jerry everything is forgiven now, all is well,
no jerry ive been carrying this load for years now & i must tell you,
ive been unfathfull to you i slept with your best mate phil, i am so sorry,
yes dear i know says jerry,
why do you think i poisoned you?
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JOKE

Post  Admin on Tue May 19, 2009 2:52 pm

Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father"

Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."

The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."

Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin"

Man replies "Who is that?"

Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You're blocking traffic!"

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A Jewish couple has a son who is a holy terror. When he gets to be of age, he's kicked out of every school they put him in. Finally desperate, the father goes to the Rabbi for advice and the Rabbi says put him in the Catholic school. Shocked, the father asks if the Rabbi sure. "Yes" is the reply, so the father takes him to the nuns and leaves.

An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the son comes in says "Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama," goes to the table and starts on his homework. The father is amazed and finally ask why he stayed in school all day and why he is behaving so well. His son looks up and says "Papa when you left, the Mother Superior told me that they did not allow rowdy boys, then she took me to my room. Papa they mean business! They've got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!"
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A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Suzy declares, "I want to be a prostitute."

"What did you say?!" asks the nun, totally shocked.

"I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats.

"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
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An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol
officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn
you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could
be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband
repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is
wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to
animals, so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get
home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband
about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on

it immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
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The Catholic Priest rode his bicycle by the Baptist church every day on his lunch hour for exercise. He and the Baptist Pastor got to be good friends. One day, the Priest came walking by the Baptist church. "Where is your bike?" the pastor inquired. "Someone stole it!" "Well, someone stole some property from our church recently and I preached on the ten commandments last Sunday and the guilty person confessed and returned the property." Next week the Priest rode his bike by the Baptist church. "Hey, I see you got your bicycle back!" exclaims the pastor. "Yeah, that was a great idea you had about preaching on the ten commandments. When I got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered right where I left my bike!"

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The Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain,
'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'


'I should be in charge,' said the blood ,
'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away .'



'I should be in charge,' said the stomach ,
'because I process food and give all of you energy.'


'I should be in charge,' said the legs,
'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'


'I should be in charge,' said the eyes,
'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'


'I should be in charge,' said the rectum,
'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!
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Post  Admin on Sun May 24, 2009 8:11 am

Kids are Quick .....

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

_____________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten
years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

______________________________________


TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________


TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, it's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher
_________________
dont you want that can i have it ?
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2 mexicans lost in the desert,
they see a tree in the distance as they get nearer they see its draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon , smoked ,crispy,juicy bacon,...
hey pepe says pedro ees a bacon tree we r saved,
then runs to the tree as he gets within 5 feet of it he's gunned down in a hail of bullets,
pedro shouts what happened?
wwith his last breath pepe shouts "shouts run amigo ees not a bacon tree ...............ees a ham bush
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What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a dung-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care.

We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

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Damo
850cc chop


Joined: 06 May 2007
Posts: 28
Location: Cambridge

Posted: 23 Jan 2009 01:53 pm Post subject: So why does the fight start in your house?

So why does the fight start in your house?


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage .
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started ...
****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
A nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And then the fight started.....
****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me
a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
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Post  Admin on Sun May 24, 2009 8:13 am

Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of 'ASYLUM'.
Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
HIJACK AN AIRLINER
and win
A COUNCIL HOUSE!
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And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.

Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British Passport, and you only need one word of English:
'ASYLUM'
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and
accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone
buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.

No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable.
All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:
'ASYLUM'
A few years ago, 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury
£200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.
They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain ..
Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.

If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget, there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience
Just apply for legal aid.
Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help.
It won't cost you a penny.
It could change your life forever.
So play today.

Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers,
bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...
COME ON DOWN!

Get along to the airport!
Get along to the lorry park!
Get along to the ferry terminal!
Don't stop in Germany or France !
Go straight to Britain
And you are:
GUARANTEED
to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth.
Everyone's a winner, when they play
'ASYLUM'
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VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a
woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of
communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and s alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find
out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and
her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of
tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to sc ratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to
nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick
up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing
machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that
allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told
me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build
up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let
him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that
diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald
head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.
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Welshman that was given a pair of cufflinks for his birthday. He had no use for them as he couldn't find anywhere to get his wrists pierced.

a girl from Chester who walked into Chester Police station and said 'I've just been raped by a Welshman' . The copper asked her how she new the culprit was Welsh and she answered ' I had to show him what to do'

Have you heard about the Welshman that kidnapped a child and enclosed an SAE with the ransom note?

a girl from rhyl who walked into her local Police station and said 'I've just been raped by a Scouser' . The copper asked her how she knew the culprit was Scouse and she answered ' I had to do all the work.'

a con man from Tredegar that didn't have much luck so he moved north and tried to sell the Menai bridge. Unfortunately, the first bloke he tried to sell it to was the owner and he had to pay him a tenner so he wouldn't tell the cops.
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A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"
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Post  Admin on Sun May 24, 2009 8:14 am

ONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain he has a better education than any Jock cop.



He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the c**p out of the lawyer and says .............



'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
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A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
_________________
an old man walks into a confessional " i am 90 years old have a wonderfull wife of 70 years,many children & grandchildren."
"yesterday i picked up 2 college girls hitchhiking,we went to a motel where i had sex 3 times with each of them,
the priest says are you sorry for your sins?
what sins
horrified the priest asks what kind of catholic are you?
im not catholic im jewish
then why are you telling me this
im 90 year old im telling everybody
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some pancake to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in

London
. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN

PAKISTAN
..

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women may in weight during a marriage between 40kg and 200kg, but the only ever quoted figure is 53 kg. Their surfaces may be covered with a film. They boil at nothing, freeze without reason and melt with special treatment. They have a great affinity for gold and a range of precious stones. They absorb enormous quantities of expensive substances and they may explode spontaneously without prior notice and for no apparent reason. They are generally insoluble in liquid, but saturation in alcohol can increase their activity. They are very effective cleaning agents and at the same time the most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Women write the rules which are subject to change with immediate effect and without prior notification. They are ready only when they are ready and pure specimens turn rosy pink when discovered in the natural state and may turn very green when placed next to a better example.

They can be highly dangerous out of experienced hands, and they are illegal to posses in quantities although several can be maintained in different locations provided they do not come into contact with one another
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

----------------------------------

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

----------------------------------

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

-------------------------------

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

-----------------------------------

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

-------------------------------------

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

------------------------------------

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

---------------------------------------

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

-----------------------------------------

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

---------------------------------------

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

--------------------------------------------

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

-----------------------------------------------

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

-----------------------------------------------

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

----------------------------------------------

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

-------------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

-----------------------------------------------

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an Autopsy.

---------------------------------------------------------

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

----------------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recently a "Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find themselves a husband.

First Floor.

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second Floor.

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third Floor.

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth Floor.

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth Floor.

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Post  Admin on Sun May 24, 2009 8:20 am

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have
'the rule of thumb'
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF
entered into the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
----------------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
------------------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
------------------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
------------------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work?
Alaska
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
------------------------------------------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400(US)....

How many do you have....? AND I wonder, how much per cat?
-----------------------------------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour?

61,000
-------------------------------------------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
--------------------------------------------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
---------------------------------------------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
------------------------------------------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
-----------------------------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
--------------------------------------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,
the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person
died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on
the ground, the person died of natural causes.
-------------------------------------------------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2,
but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
--------------------------------------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
--------------------------------------------
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
----------------------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
you would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand
-------------------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers
all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
--------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
--------------------------------------
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
--------------------------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase........ 'goodnight, sleep tight.'
--------------------------------------------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
--------------------------------------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. 'It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q' s'
----------------------------------------
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------------------------------------------------------

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007

when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
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Post  Admin on Sun May 24, 2009 8:21 am

Recently a "Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find themselves a husband.

First Floor.

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second Floor.

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third Floor.

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth Floor.

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth Floor.

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Golfer's Dilemma

A man staggers into an emergency room with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trainee

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....

On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:

"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded:

"You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DRESS CODE

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes, a Giorgio Armani suit or carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you
do not need a pay rise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay rise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness - if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

HOLIDAY DAYS
Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year of holidays - they are called Sundays.

COMPASSIONATE LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work - there is nothing you can do for dead relatives, friends or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employee involvement attend the arrangements.
In rare cases where the employee's involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We happy to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

TOILET USE
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet - there is now a strict 3-minute limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of the three-minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open,
and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the staff notice board under the "chronic offenders" category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.



LUNCH BREAK

1. Skinny employees get 30 minutes break for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they will look healthy.

2. Normal size employees get 15 minutes break for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby employees get 5 minutes break for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a "slim-fast."



Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
_________________
SO THERE YOU GO OKIDOKI
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted: 13 May 2008 07:18 pm Post subject: wedding

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent
wedding that took place at Clemson University .. It was in the local newspaper and even
Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank
everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank
his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes,
he turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this
guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she
> had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her
> questions about her life,what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and
> then about her new husband's occupation.
>
> "He's a funeral director," she answered.
>
> "That's very interesting." he replied, "would you mind telling us a little
> about your first three husbands and what they each did for a living?"
>
> She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
> After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
> "I was twenty when I married my first husband who was a banker.
> I married my second husband who was a circus ringmaster in my forties.
> I married my third husband, a preacher, in my sixties.
> And now at 84, my new husband is a funeral director."
>
> The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
> married four men with such diverse careers.
>
> She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show,
> three to get ready, and four to go."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other about the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he madecontact;
'Mary, Mary'
'Is that you Fred?'
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
'What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, then I'm off to the golf course. I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.After supper, golf course again. Then I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.'
'Oh, Fred. You surely must be in heaven?'
'Not exactly. I'm a rabbit in Suffolk.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dansam
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Joined: 20 Aug 2007
Posts: 26


Posted: 20 Nov 2007 02:12 pm Post subject:

Jordan phones up the guiness book of records all excited, 'Mr McWirter, you have to include me in your next issue, as i have done a jigsaw in two days!'
'And whats so special about that then, Jordan?'
'Well,' says Jordan, 'Its got 3 to 5 years on the box
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and asked for a beer.
'Certainly sir, that'll be one pence.'
'One pence?' thought the man. He looked at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'Ten pence' the barman replied.
'Ten pence? are you sure?' exclaimed the man, 'wheres the guy who owns this place?'
'Upstairs, with my wife,' replied the barman.
The man asked, 'Whats he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied, 'The same thing I'm doing down here to his business.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted: 20 Nov 2007 02:29 pm Post subject:

A man pushing a wheelbarrow loaded with something under a tarp was stopped from leaving a construction site by a security guard. The suspicious guard peeled back the tarp to see what was there, only to find empty cardboard boxes that nobody wanted. He apologizedand let the man go.
A week later, another guard halted the same man doing the same thing, found the mans dirty laundry in the barrow and sent him on his way.
Before long, every guard at the site had virtually the same experience with the man and concluded he was probably a thief but one they were never going to catch - everytime they stopped him and lifted the tarp, they found nothing incriminating. The scenario was repeated so often that everyone involved was soon able to predict the outcome of the encounter at the outset. For the next thirty years their predictions came true.
Afterward, one of the guards bumped into the man in a bar. They sat together reminiscing about the old days at the construction site. '
You know,' said the guard. ' We never figured out what you were stealing in that barrow of yours, but you were stealing weren't you?'
The man smiled, 'Yep'.
'I knew it! What was it?' asked the guard.
'Wheelbarrows'.
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Post  Admin on Sun May 24, 2009 8:22 am

_________________
an old man walks into a confessional " i am 90 years old have a wonderfull wife of 70 years,many children & grandchildren."
"yesterday i picked up 2 college girls hitchhiking,we went to a motel where i had sex 3 times with each of them,
the priest says are you sorry for your sins?
what sins
horrified the priest asks what kind of catholic are you?
im not catholic im jewish
then why are you telling me this
im 90 year old im telling everybody
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Last edited by Admin on Mon May 25, 2009 7:01 am; edited 2 times in total
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Post  Admin on Sun May 24, 2009 8:30 am

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, when he asks the audience for total quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone,'everytime I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies'.
A voice with a broad scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence; 'well stop fockin' doin' it then!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked ' how am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?'
'Thats a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground', he said.
After pondering his answer for a moment, she asked 'What happens if there is no one I know?'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man got on a bus with both of his trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said 'Its golf balls.'
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not been able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bloke goes to the council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him,'Have you ever been in the armed forces?'
'Yes', he replies, 'I was in the gulf for three years.'
The interviewer says,'That will give you extra points towards employment. Are you disabled in any way?'
The bloke says;'Yes, a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off'.
The inerviewer says,'Okay, you've got the job. The hours are from 8am til 4pm. You can start tomorrow, come in at 10.'
The bloke is puzzled and asks, 'if the hours are 8 til 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?'
'This is the council', the interviewer explains.' For the first 2 hours we sit around scratching our balls - no point you coming in for that!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man went and joined the queue for the currency exchange window at the local bank. An asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars was in front of him, and he was a little irritated.
He asked the teller; 'Why it change? Yesterday I got two hunat dolla fo yen. Today i get hunat eighty? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'fluctuations.'
Outraged, the asian guy says ' fluc you white people too.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
when i was younger, i used to pray for a new bicycle.
Then i realised god doesn't work like that,
so i stole one and begged for forgivness
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A salesman knocks on the door and a little boy aged 12 answers with a cigar in one hand and half a bottle of scotch in the other.
"excuse me, is your mum or dad in?" the salesman asks.
"does it bloody look like it?"
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Bruce is driving over the sydney harbour bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend about to jump off, he slams on his brakes and yells, "What the hell are ya doing?"
She turns round, crying and says, "Ya got me pregnant so i going to kill myself".
Bruce gets a lump in his throat, "strewth, not only are ya gorgeous, but your a bloody good sport too".
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an old man is celebrating his 90th birhtday with an old lady.
They both share a bottle of wine until they are both totally drunk.
He gropes and massages the old lady, strips her and lays her on the bed with just her pants on.
She stops him there and says, "i cant do this, i have acute angina".
"i hope so cos you got the ugliest t*ts i ever seen"
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a couple are lying in bed.
the woman says, "i'm going to make you the happiest man alive".
the man replies, "i'll miss you"
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for the day.
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life
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I want to die peacefully like my grandad, in his sleep.
Not like my grandmother screaming in the passenger seat!
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Pinocchio goes round to geppetto's house. "everytime i do the deed with my girlfriend, she gets splinters", he says. "what can i do about this?"
"have you tried sandpaper?"
A few weeks later, Geppetto see's Pinocchio "how's the problem with the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replies, "who needs a girlfriend when ya got sandpaper?"
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A nun in a full black habit is walking down past a bar when a drunken clown stumbles out the bar and punches her square in the nose.
Before she can scream, he lands a sloppy one-two and an uppercut.
He starts kicking her while she down, he then staggers back and says, "your not so tough batman"
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The first snake says "Sidney, are we the type of snake who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze them to death? or are we the snakes who ambush our prey and poison themwith our bite?"
The second snake says, "why you ask?"
"Because i just bit my lip"
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After 50 years of wandering why he doesn't look like his younger sister or brother, a man finally gets up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"YES, you were son", his mother replies, starting to cry.
"but it didn't work out, so they brought you back"
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Halifax Building Society is very pleased to announce that they are installing new "Drive Thru" Cash Dispensers.

To enable customers to gain maximum benefit from this new facility they have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with the appropriate procedures for their use.

AS FOLLOWS

Procedures for MALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine

2. Wind down your car window

3. Insert your card into machine and enter PIN

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw

5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt

6. Wind up window

7. Drive off



Procedures for FEMALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine

2. Reverse the required distance to align car window with cash machine

3. Re-start the stalled engine

4. Wind down the window

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to find card

6. Turn the radio down

7. Attempt to insert card into machine

8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from the car

9. Insert card

10. Re-insert card the right way up

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the inside back page

12. Enter PIN

13. Press "cancel", and re-enter correct PIN

14. Enter amount of cash required

15. Check make-up in rear view mirror

16. Retrieve cash and receipt

17. Empty handbag again, to locate purse and place cash inside

18. Place receipt in back of chequebook

19. Re-check make-up

20. Drive forward 2 metres

21. Reverse back to cash machine

22. Retrieve card

23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot provided

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off

25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles


26. Release handbrake.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when the wife is dead ? sex is the same but your teas hot
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Post  Admin on Sun May 24, 2009 8:31 am

"OESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "OESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your mobile to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8 You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9 You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand :

1. OTHER WOMEN




sent to email by Shelly Cooper
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
steve.naughtyboy
moped


Joined: 09 May 2007
Posts: 2
Location: Doncaster

Posted: 15 May 2007 09:52 am Post subject:

A Womans Health

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old arse?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.
there were these two old men who everyday sat on their porch and looked out at the view. one day, some old women decided to play a joke on them. they took off all of their clothes and ran past the two men. the men then said to each other:
man1: What the hell was that?
man2: im not sure, but i think it needed some ironing
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you spot a blind guy at a nudist colony?

A: It's not hard.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After an accident on a building site when an irishman had his ear chopped off, the doctor tells him not to worry, it could be sewn back on easily, The Irishman says to the doctor " You cant do that , its not my ear, mines had a pencil behind it"
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a man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced his altitude and spotted a woman below. He desceded a bit more and shouted; 'excuse me can you help me?' I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I dont know where I am.'
The woman below replied, 'you're hovering in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 4 degrees north latitude and between 9 and 60 degrees west longitude.
'You must be an engineer', said the balloonist.
'Yes I am,' replied the woman. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answered the man. ' Everything you have told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've actually delayed my trip.'
The woman looked at him and responded,'you must be in management.'
'I am!' replied the balloonist,' how did you know?'
'Well,' said the woman.'you dont know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quanitity of hot air. You made a promise that you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.'
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Post  Admin on Sun May 24, 2009 8:34 am

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of BREAD today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '



A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.


His wife replies 'You've got a bigger dxxk than your brother'


What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?

The McCartneys

But really we shouldn't make fun of macca. After all will he ever find another woman to fill her shoe?


What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?

About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
_________________
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.


It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh shit, it's Global Warming.


Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of BREAD.


Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
"What have u got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon
"Pies you dickhead."


Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.


Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too, he was funny that way.


Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.


Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Before a girl goes on a date with her new boyfriend, her mum gives her a pep talk.
"If he tries to lay you down and get on top of you", her mother says."you must say no, because mummy would worry".
When her daughter gets home from the date, her mum asks if she remembered their chat.
"Yes," the girl replied. "He tried to get on on top of me but I said no. I laid him down and got on top of him. Let HIS mummy worry".
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch
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Two englishmen opening a shop in Glasgow's Argyll street are sitting in the empty shop waiting on the stock being delivered. First englishman says to his mate "Bet you some nosey scottish officer asks what we are selling" sure enough within five minutes the door opens and a wee glaswegian says "Whit ye sellin in here big man?" The englishman sarcastically says "We are selling arseholes" without missing a beat the wee glaswegian comes back with "Yer doing well, only 2 left",
_________________

are you taliban do you answer yes to these

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer


2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
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